First, when I was 5 years old, I lost my Grandfather. This was an intense loss for me. You see my Grandfather loved me just because I existed. I didn’t have to BE anything for him. It was a pure love…and I haven’t had that kind of love since. I still cry to this day when I think of that loss.
When I was 12, my parents got divorced. It had its messiness and felt so wrong. So, when I was 13, I prayed to God that divorce wouldn’t be a part of my story. God was faithful and has answered that prayer. I’ve had very few actual relationships…very few. I forgot about that prayer and believed something was wrong with me. Why did no one choose me? My answer to that was to have casual flings in my 20’s. I couldn’t be hurt or be rejected…it was just casual. Again, there was this emptiness inside of me and I was trying to fill it, or guard it in my own way.
In my late 20’s, I lost a dear friend. She had gotten married; he wasn’t good to her, and I spoke up about it. He pulled her away from me. My best friend for over 10 years…gone. I made a new friend a few years later only to find out she was using me. After that, I didn’t trust women and I didn’t want to be hurt again. So, I was guarded and kept people at arm’s length. To create that distance, I could be downright cruel to people. I didn’t care what they thought of me, and I certainly didn’t care if I hurt them. I look back and I’m ashamed of the things I would say to people. Again, there was this empty place inside and I was guarding it.
I never really wanted to have a child. I was never able to see myself with children. But, in my early 30’s I had this sense of I’m alone, not married, when will this not even be a decision I can make. So, Mother’s Day would roll around each year and I struggled. I wouldn’t go to church. I would get frustrated when people would wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I would tell them I’m not a mother and they would tell me that I have dogs and that counts. Ugh, really?!?! They just didn’t want to leave me out on a day that a woman should be celebrated. I’ve struggled with that day every year. Even though I didn’t want children, I would feel this sense of emptiness on that day and with every well wish I would feel less than. Like I was missing out on something expected of me.
Now, God is slowly filling the spot my Grandfather left empty in me. God used how my Grandfather loved me to show me what His love could look like. It was a gift. My heart recognizes it and I know that it is pure and good. That I’m accepted exactly how He made me and that I was a creation of His. Having that love early in life made me fall in love with God’s love.
I ended up not getting married until I was 40 and I married a man that God picked out for me. God saved me for this man and kept others away. My marriage is far from perfect, but I trust God and God uses the bumps to teach me. God has also used my casual flings and has turned shame into a powerful testimony.
I can now trust women again and can joyfully say that I have many women friends and have a new best friend that I trust with every secret. I needed these women and God provided them. He speaks to me through them.
When I married, I gained a step-daughter. At that time, we had her every other weekend. But I told my husband in our first year of marriage, that we would have her full time someday. Given the circumstances, he thought that was impossible. 5 years later, she lives with us full time. Her mom and I completely respect our different roles in her life. She is her mom and I respect that. I love her daughter unconditionally and she is grateful that her daughter has me. This past Mother’s Day, at church, her mom and I stood beside OUR daughter…together. Only God can move like that.
I still have some empty places in me, but God has worked to fill the ones I mentioned as only He can, in His way. And how He filled them have been beyond what I could have ever asked for or imagined. He astounds me. I stand in awe of Him and His love. I don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t matter to Him. I exist; therefore He loves me. And because He loves me, He works to fill the empty places and heal the hurts that have come through my own disobedience or from those that I love. God is good…and as a friend of mine would always respond…All the time, He is good.
“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.” – Psalm 63:1
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. – Ephesians 3:20
Do you have empty places inside of you? Have you sought to fill those places your way, but they still feel empty? Will you continue to seek the things of this world to fulfill you? Or will you give God a chance to fill those empty places? I hope you will give God a chance. I promise, He won’t disappoint.
Which Voice Will You Follow? 